Surviving Narcissism: Living With a Narcissist When Leaving Isn’t an Option
Finding yourself bound to a person with a narcissistic personality can be as daunting as finding your way out of a labyrinth in darkness. A narcissist’s manipulation tactics can drain you, physically and emotionally. Isn’t it time for a different approach?
You’re not alone, and living with a narcissist when leaving is not an option need not signal a loss of your personal strength and peace. This article is your survival guide, highlighting practical methods to equip yourself and successfully navigate the whirlwind of narcissism under your roof.
Explore how to identify narcissistic behaviours, set crucial boundaries, gain emotional independence, and seek the right kind of support to thrive. It’s possible to cultivate stability in an unstable environment, and remember, your mental well-being is always a priority.
Understanding Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
When living with a narcissist when leaving is not an option, it becomes crucial to understand the essence of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). This understanding paves the way for more manageable interactions and emotional balance.
Traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder
- Grandiosity: An exaggerated sense of self-importance and entitlement, where feeling superior to others is a daily norm.
- Need for Admiration: A constant craving for praise and validation to shore up their self-image.
- Lack of Empathy: An inability or unwillingness to recognize or care about the feelings and needs of others.
- Manipulative Behavior: Utilizing deceit, coercion, or manipulation to dominate situations and the people around them.
- Entitlement: The belief that they deserve preferential treatment and greater consideration than others.
Types of Narcissists
- Overt: Openly arrogant, boastful, and self-centered, making their narcissism conspicuous to others.
- Covert: These individuals are more subtle, hiding their insecurity and low self-esteem behind a facade of humility or competence.
- Malignant: Combining narcissism with antisocial behavior, making them particularly destructive and dangerous.
- Communal: Seeking validation through perceived altruism and social standing, presenting themselves as benevolent while concealing their true motives.
Importance of Understanding Narcissism
Understanding narcissistic traits such as grandiosity, lack of empathy, need for admiration, and manipulative behavior is crucial when living with a narcissist when leaving is not an option, as detailed in this comprehensive overview of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) available on the NCBI website. It helps set realistic expectations and manage interactions effectively, reducing unnecessary emotional stress.
Challenges of Living with a Narcissist
Living with a narcissist involves navigating prolonged emotional manipulation and gaslighting. Your sense of reality is frequently challenged. Their incessant need for adulation and poor handling of criticism create an environment rife with unpredictability and mental strain. This makes it challenging to maintain personal stability.
Understanding the Narcissist’s Perspective
Narcissists often act out of fragile self-esteem and deep-seated insecurity. Recognizing that their behavior stems from internal conflict can be pivotal when living with a narcissist when leaving is not an option. This understanding helps manage your emotional responses and avoid taking their actions personally.
Strategies for Living with a Narcissist When Leaving Is Not an Option
When leaving a narcissist isn’t possible, finding ways to cope can feel like navigating a storm.
Below, you’ll find strategies designed to help you maintain your balance and sanity.
Set Firm Boundaries
- Define acceptable and unacceptable behavior: Think of boundaries as your personal shield, defining what you will absolutely not tolerate. This might include actions like emotional abuse or manipulative tactics that compromise your well-being.
- Maintain these boundaries consistently: Enforcing boundaries without exceptions is crucial. Consistency strengthens your armor, protecting your mental and emotional health from being pierced.
Maintain Emotional Distance
- Avoid personalizing their behavior: Remember, their hurtful actions are reflections of their disorder, not indications of your worth. It’s like wearing a raincoat in a storm; their behavior will drench them, not you.
- Limit emotional reactions: Keeping a calm and neutral emotional state reduces their ability to unbalance you. Visualize yourself as a rock in a turbulent sea, unmoved by the waves crashing around you.
Educate on Emotional Independence
- Build emotional independence: Strengthening your emotional resilience means relying on your own judgment. Imagine it as building an inner fortress where you’re the ruler, not the narcissist.
- Avoid getting caught up in their emotional whirlwind: Stay grounded to avoid being swept away by their ever-changing emotional tides. Keep your feet firmly planted in reality.
Seek Support
- Reach out to friends, family, or support groups: Surround yourself with people who offer empathy and understanding. They are your lighthouse in the dark, guiding you back to safe harbor.
- Identify those who understand: Connect with individuals experienced in dealing with narcissists. Their informed advice and assistance are invaluable, like a seasoned guide on a treacherous journey.
Practice Self-Care
- Prioritize your physical and mental well-being: Regular exercise, a balanced diet, and adequate sleep are your foundation. Think of them as the sturdy cornerstones of a resilient mind.
- Engage in activities that relax and rejuvenate you: Find hobbies or practices like meditation, reading, or spending time in nature. These activities are your sanctuary, a place of rest amidst the chaos.
Focus on Reality
- Keep a realistic perspective on their behavior: Recognize their actions and manipulations for what they are. Trusting your perceptions is like having a reliable map in a labyrinth of deceit.
- Avoid manipulation and gaslighting: Trust your memories to counteract attempts to distort reality. Stay aware and stay true to your version of events.
Develop Personal Goals
- Focus on personal growth and accomplishments: Set goals that are meaningful to you, independent of the narcissist’s influence. These goals are your personal roadmap to fulfillment.
- Set and pursue individual objectives: Define achievements in various life areas and create step-by-step plans. Each step is a victory, building towards a future of your own making.
Engage in Enjoyable Activities
- Participate in activities that bring joy and normalcy: Engage in pastimes you love. These activities are your oasis, a break from the stress of living with a narcissist.
- Maintain hobbies and interests: Pursue hobbies that fulfill and bolster your sense of identity. They act as anchors, keeping you connected to who you truly are.
Regularly Assess Coping Mechanisms
- Evaluate the effectiveness of your strategies: Regularly review how well your coping mechanisms are working. Consider it a health check for your mental well-being.
- Adjust coping mechanisms as needed: Be flexible and willing to change your approaches. Like adjusting your sails in shifting winds, find what best supports your stability and peace.
Communication Techniques
Living under the same roof with a narcissist when leaving isn’t an option poses unique challenges. The strategies below can help you navigate these complex interactions while protecting your mental well-being.
Use Clear, Concise Language
When living with a narcissist when leaving is not an option, being direct is crucial to avoid misunderstandings. Narcissists often manipulate ambiguous language, so clarity is your best defense. Explicitly state your needs and boundaries, leaving no room for misinterpretation.
Stay Calm
Dealing with a narcissist can be incredibly frustrating, but maintaining your composure is essential. Emotions can quickly escalate conflicts. Imagine your calmness as an anchor during a stormy sea. Practicing calmness during interactions helps prevent the situation from spiraling out of control, preserving your mental health.
Practice Assertiveness
Assertiveness is about expressing your needs confidently and firmly, without aggression. When living with a narcissist when leaving is not an option, clearly state your boundaries and stand your ground. This reduces their ability to manipulate you, fostering respect for your space and autonomy.
Avoid Arguments and Confrontations
Narcissists thrive on conflict and will often provoke arguments to assert dominance. Steer clear of confrontations to keep peace. It’s like navigating a minefield—if a discussion starts to heat up, aim to deescalate it quickly by switching the topic or walking away if necessary.
Use “I” Statements and Stick to Facts
Using “I” statements reframes conversations from your perspective, minimizing blame. This approach can reduce defensiveness and potential conflict. Additionally, sticking to facts rather than emotions creates a grounded discussion, making it harder for the narcissist to distort reality. Aim to keep the dialogue rooted in observable truths.
Safety and Protection
When living with a narcissist, it’s essential to ensure your safety and well-being, even when leaving isn’t an option. Here are some proactive steps you can take to protect yourself both physically and emotionally.
Create a Safety Plan
- Identify potential threats and prepare responses to ensure your safety. Whether facing physical or emotional danger, having a strategy in place is crucial.
- Compile a list of emergency contacts, escape routes, and safe places to stay. Make sure to share your plan with trusted individuals who can assist if needed.
Document Incidents
- Keep detailed records of abusive behavior, noting dates, times, and specifics of each incident. This can provide you with clarity and serve as invaluable evidence if you seek legal protection or professional help.
- Creating a log not only helps for personal clarity but also for potential legal reasons. Documentation can be a powerful tool in safeguarding your well-being.
Know Your Rights
- Understand the legal options and resources available to you, such as restraining orders and support services. Knowing your rights can empower you to take appropriate actions.
- Familiarize yourself with legal protections and support systems designed to assist those living with a narcissist. These can be crucial in maintaining your safety and mental health when leaving is not an option.
Keep Documents and Personal Items Secure
- Store important documents, such as identification, financial records, and legal papers, in a safe and secure location. Keeping these documents secure ensures they are accessible when needed.
- Protect personal items to prevent tampering or misuse. Consider keeping copies in a secure digital file or with a trusted friend to ensure they are not compromised.
Monitor and Secure Personal Finances
- Maintain financial independence and security by keeping your financial information private. Using separate accounts, if possible, can help safeguard your assets.
- Regularly monitor your accounts and set up alerts for suspicious activity. Consulting a financial advisor can provide strategies tailored to your specific situation, enhancing your financial security.
Emotional and Psychological Self-Defense
Living with a narcissist when leaving is not an option requires honing your emotional and psychological self-defense. The following strategies can help you maintain your well-being and sanity while navigating the complexities of such relationships.
Understand Projection
Projection is a common technique narcissists use to offload their insecurities and faults onto others. By accusing you of the very things they are guilty of, they deflect attention from their own shortcomings. When living with a narcissist when leaving is not an option, it’s crucial to recognize these projections. Labeling the behavior helps you disassociate from unwarranted blame.
Acknowledge the projection internally and respond in a way that doesn’t fuel further conflict. Use calm, factual statements to deflect their accusations, ensuring you don’t absorb their projected negativity.
Avoid Self-Blame
One of the core aspects of coexisting with a narcissist is understanding that their behavior is a reflection of their disorder, not of your value or actions. Living with a narcissist when leaving is not an option often leads to feelings of self-doubt and guilt. However, remind yourself regularly that their manipulative tactics and blame are rooted in their deep-seated insecurities and issues.
Continually affirm your worth and separate their negative outbursts from your self-perception. This distinction can help you maintain a healthy sense of self.
Educate Yourself on Narcissism
Knowledge is power when it comes to navigating the complexities of living with a narcissist. Understanding the nature of narcissistic personality disorder enables you to set realistic expectations and respond strategically to their behaviors.
There are numerous resources available—books, articles, and videos—that can provide comprehensive insights into the disorder. This education helps you contextualize their actions and equips you with strategies to manage your interactions more effectively.
Handling Narcissistic Rage
Narcissistic rage can be particularly challenging due to its intensity and unpredictability. When faced with these outbursts, staying calm is crucial for your emotional stability.
Avoid arguing or justifying yourself, as this can escalate the situation. If possible, remove yourself from the immediate environment to let the storm pass. Retreating temporarily not only ensures your safety but also denies the narcissist the emotional reaction they crave. Practicing mindfulness and deep breathing techniques can also help you maintain composure during these episodes.
Dealing with Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where the narcissist attempts to make you doubt your reality. Recognize these attempts by maintaining a strong sense of self-awareness. Keeping a journal of events can help you track reality and counter the distortion caused by gaslighting.
Regularly reassert your understanding of facts and trust your perception. Engage in conversations with trusted friends or family members to validate your experiences and feelings. This grounding in reality is essential to maintaining your mental health when living with a narcissist when leaving is not an option.
Long-term Coping with a Narcissist When Leaving is Not an Option
Living with a narcissist can feel like an emotional roller coaster, especially when leaving isn’t an option. Managing daily interactions and safeguarding your mental well-being require a blend of acceptance, resilience, and strategic planning. Let’s delve into effective long-term coping mechanisms that can help you navigate this challenging journey.
Acceptance
- Acknowledge you cannot change the narcissist: Recognize that trying to change a narcissist is a futile exercise that only depletes your emotional energy. Embracing this truth can save you from countless frustrations and help you conserve your strength for self-care.
- Focus on altering your responses to them: Shift your energy towards managing your own reactions. Understand the narcissist’s triggers and aim to maintain a calm, controlled demeanor. This approach can be like a protective shield, reducing the likelihood of conflict.
Building Resilience
- Develop inner strength and coping mechanisms: Engage in activities that bolster your mental and emotional resilience. Practices such as mindfulness, regular physical exercise, or indulging in hobbies that bring you joy can fortify your inner sanctuary.
- Deal with ongoing narcissistic behavior effectively: Equip yourself with strategies to counter manipulative and toxic behavior. Staying informed about narcissistic tendencies enables you to anticipate their actions and respond in ways that protect your peace of mind.
Shielding Children or Other Family Members
- Protect children and family from abusive behaviors: Actively seek to limit their exposure to harmful interactions. Creating a buffer zone can safeguard their emotional well-being by minimizing the narcissist’s impact.
- Create a safe, supportive environment for them: Foster an atmosphere of safety and support within your home. Encourage open communication and provide emotional support, ensuring that everyone feels secure and valued.
Using Journaling or Self-Expression
- Use journaling to process emotions: Writing down your thoughts and feelings can serve as a powerful outlet for emotional clarity and release. It’s a safe space for self-reflection, free from external judgment.
- Engage in self-expression to manage stress: Find creative outlets that allow you to express your emotions—whether through art, music, or dance. These activities can be therapeutic, helping you manage stress and maintain mental well-being.
Living Under the Same Roof
Sharing a home with a narcissist, especially when leaving isn’t an option, presents unique challenges. Each day can feel like navigating a minefield, but with strategic approaches, it’s possible to maintain your sense of self and sanity. This section delves into practical ways to mitigate conflicts and create a more stable living environment.
Reliance on Written Communication
Imagine you’re living amidst a constant fog of miscommunication, where words are twisted and truths are distorted. Utilizing written communication can significantly clear this fog. Putting things in writing creates a solid, unchangeable record, safeguarding you from the narcissist’s attempts to reshape reality to fit their narrative. It’s your anchor of clarity in a sea of manipulation.
- Prevent Misunderstandings: Imagine the relief of knowing your words can’t be twisted. Written communication offers clarity and precision, reducing the likelihood of misinterpretations that often escalate conflicts.
- Document Interactions: Keeping a written record of important conversations and agreements ensures you have evidence in case of disputes, maintaining accountability and transparency.
Maintaining Separate Spaces
When cohabiting with a narcissist, carving out your own safe havens within the shared space becomes indispensable. These personal sanctuaries are your refuge where you can breathe, think, and simply be without the pressing influence of the narcissist. Establishing and respecting these boundaries is key to protecting your mental well-being.
- Distinct Personal Spaces: Designate specific areas of the house as your sanctuary where you can retreat to recharge and reflect without the narcissist’s influence. Think of it as a mental and physical oasis amidst the turmoil.
- Established Boundaries: Clearly define and communicate which spaces are private and meant for personal use. Ensure that these boundaries are consistently upheld to minimize disruptions and foster a sense of autonomy in a shared living environment.
Co-parenting with a Narcissist
Co-parenting with a narcissist can be an overwhelming challenge, especially when leaving is not an option. Navigating this reality requires a delicate balance of protecting your children’s emotional well-being while ensuring they understand the fundamentals of healthy relationships. It’s crucial to create a stable, supportive environment despite the unpredictability of the narcissistic influence.
Protecting Children’s Emotional Health
- Prioritize children’s emotional well-being: Imagine a sanctuary where your children can retreat from the turmoil of living with a narcissist. Regularly check in with them to gauge their emotional state, offering unwavering support and understanding. Dive into activities that make them feel valued and heard, creating pockets of joy and stability in their lives.
- Provide them with support and understanding: Consider your home a safe haven for open communication. Encourage your children to express their feelings and concerns freely. Validate their emotions with empathy, reinforcing the notion that their feelings matter and they are not alone on this journey. They need to know they have a trusted ally in you.
- Create a stable routine: Establish the rhythm of predictability with a consistent daily schedule. This routine acts as a comforting anchor, reducing anxiety and providing a sense of normalcy amidst the chaos often caused by a narcissistic parent. Stability can be a powerful healer for young minds navigating turbulent waters.
Ensuring Children’s Awareness of Healthy Relationships
- Teach children about healthy relationships: Living with a narcissist when leaving is not an option can distort a child’s understanding of interpersonal dynamics. Engage in heartfelt discussions about the core qualities of healthy relationships, such as mutual respect, empathy, and effective communication. These conversations are the foundation stones for their future interactions.
- Model positive interactions and boundaries: Lead by example, showcasing what a healthy relationship looks like through your actions. Exude calmness, respect, and integrity in your interactions with others. Establish and maintain healthy boundaries with the narcissist, demonstrating self-respect and firmness. Your behavior can serve as the blueprint for your children.
- Encourage critical thinking: Nurture your children’s ability to think critically by discussing different scenarios and asking them to reflect on what constitutes appropriate or inappropriate behavior. This empowers them to recognize, assert, and maintain healthy boundaries in their own relationships. Equip them with the tools they need to navigate the world independently and wisely.
- Provide role models: Expose your children to other positive role models beyond the narcissistic environment. Let them see how relatives, family friends, or mentors embody the traits of healthy and supportive relationships. These alternative examples can act as guiding lights, illustrating the possibilities of more balanced interactions.
Post-Relationship Healing
Healing after living with a narcissist, when leaving is not an option, requires a multifaceted approach. This journey involves emotional grieving, self-esteem rebuilding, and fostering healthy relationships. By addressing each of these elements, you can create a pathway to recovery and personal growth.
Grieve the Relationship
Allowing yourself to grieve is a crucial step in healing after living with a narcissist when leaving is not an option. Take the time needed to process the loss and disappointment. It’s normal to feel a mix of emotions, including sadness, anger, and relief. If you’re dealing with family dynamics, you might find it helpful to learn more about how to detach from a codependent mother. By acknowledging these feelings, you can let go of the relationship’s emotional hold and begin the journey towards recovery rather than remaining trapped in the cycle of emotional abuse.
Acceptance of the relationship’s end is equally important. Understand that the dynamics with a narcissist are inherently unhealthy and unlikely to change. Accepting this truth supports emotional closure and helps you refocus your energy on rebuilding your life. This can be a liberating stage, paving the way for personal growth and a more positive future.
Rebuild Self-Esteem
Reclaiming your self-esteem is essential when living with a narcissist while leaving is not an option. Start by engaging in activities that boost your confidence and sense of worth. Hobbies or interests that you might have neglected are a great starting point. Whether it’s art, sports, reading, or learning new skills, such activities reinforce your strengths and individuality.
Seeking positive reinforcement and support from trusted friends, family, or support groups can also accelerate the rebuilding process. Surround yourself with individuals who uplift and affirm you. This external validation helps counterbalance the negative self-view often instilled by a narcissist, fostering self-worth and resilience.
Establish Healthy Relationships
Forming healthy relationships is vital for recovery when living with a narcissist is unavoidable. Focus on surrounding yourself with supportive individuals who respect and understand you. These relationships should be characterized by mutual respect, empathy, and healthy boundaries. Engaging with people who show genuine care helps restore your faith in positive interpersonal dynamics.
Fostering relationships based on respect and empathy will not only provide emotional support but also serve as a model for what healthy interactions should look like. Cultivate connections where open communication, mutual support, and fairness are the norms. Such relationships offer a stark contrast to the toxic dynamics experienced with a narcissist, reinforcing your journey towards emotional health and stability.
Additional Resources
Reach Out to Mental Health Professionals
When living with a narcissist when leaving is not an option, it’s crucial to seek specialized support. Therapists experienced in narcissistic abuse can provide invaluable guidance tailored to your unique situation. These professionals understand the complexities of your relationship and can offer personalized strategies to help you cope effectively. Regular sessions with a mental health professional can build resilience, improve your emotional well-being, and develop practical coping mechanisms.
Imagine navigating a stormy sea; these professionals act as your compass, guiding you through the tumultuous waves. They offer a safe harbor where your emotions and struggles are acknowledged and validated.
Use Hotlines and Support Services
For immediate assistance, hotlines like the National Domestic Violence Hotline are essential resources. They offer confidential support, crisis intervention, and can guide you to local services and shelters. Additionally, local crisis centers are equipped to provide direct help, often including counseling and safety planning. Utilizing these services ensures you have a safety net and can access help swiftly if the situation escalates.
Think of hotlines and support services as lifelines thrown to you in moments of crisis. They provide immediate relief and practical steps to ensure your safety and well-being.
Seek Therapy or Counseling
Engaging in therapy or counseling is a proactive step in managing the stress and emotional challenges of living with a narcissist when leaving is not an option. Whether you opt for individual therapy to focus on personal issues or group therapy to share experiences with others in similar situations, these sessions offer a constructive outlet for your emotions. Therapy helps you develop new coping strategies, fostering a sense of control and empowerment despite the difficult circumstances.
Consider therapy as a journey of self-discovery where you unearth new strengths and resilience within yourself. Group therapy, in particular, can sow seeds of camaraderie and mutual support, reminding you that you’re not alone in this struggle.
Building a Support Network
Along with professionals and hotlines, it’s equally important to cultivate a personal support network. Friends, family members, and community groups can provide emotional support and practical advice. They can be your allies, offering a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on when things get tough.
Reach out and let these connections fortify your spirit, creating a circle of trust and support around you. Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength and a crucial step in your journey towards healing and resilience.
Conclusion
Living with a narcissist when leaving is not an option can be incredibly challenging. It requires tailored strategies and a robust support system. By understanding narcissistic personality disorder, setting firm boundaries, practicing self-care, and seeking external support, you can better navigate this difficult situation while maintaining your mental and emotional well-being.
Key Points on Coping with a Narcissist When Leaving is Not an Option
Educate Yourself on Narcissistic Traits
First and foremost, educating yourself on the traits and behaviors associated with narcissistic personality disorder is essential. Recognizing signs such as grandiosity, manipulative behavior, and the constant need for admiration helps in managing your expectations and interactions more effectively.
Understanding these traits allows you to detach emotionally and respond more strategically to their behavior.
Reinforce the Importance of Self-Care and Boundaries
Self-care is vital for your mental and physical well-being. Engaging in activities that relax and rejuvenate you helps maintain your sanity.
Setting and maintaining firm boundaries is equally important. Clearly define what behavior is acceptable and consistently enforce these boundaries. This protects your emotional health and limits the narcissist’s ability to manipulate or control you.
Encourage Seeking Support and Utilizing Resources
Never underestimate the power of a strong support network. Reach out to friends, family, or support groups who understand your situation and can offer valuable advice.
Utilize mental health professionals who specialize in narcissistic abuse to gain personalized coping strategies. Additionally, hotlines and local support services can provide immediate assistance in times of crisis.
In summary, living with a narcissist when leaving is not an option demands resilience, knowledge, and supportive connections. While challenging, it’s possible to manage this situation effectively by implementing practical strategies and focusing on your well-being.
Prioritize self-care, maintain your boundaries, and seek external support to help you navigate your circumstances with greater ease and stability.
FAQ
What are the common characteristics of a narcissist?
Living with a narcissist can feel like an unending battle, especially when leaving is not an option. Narcissists typically exhibit grandiosity, an insatiable need for admiration, and a disturbing lack of empathy. Their manipulative and controlling behaviors, paired with an overwhelming sense of entitlement, can leave you feeling drained and invalidated daily. Understanding these traits is the first step toward navigating this complex relationship.
How can I set effective boundaries with a narcissist?
Setting boundaries with a narcissist is akin to drawing a line in the sand during a tumultuous storm. It’s essential to clearly define acceptable behaviors and stay consistent in enforcing these boundaries. Remain firm and unwavering. This approach is crucial for managing life with a narcissist, providing some semblance of control when leaving is not an option.
What should I do if the narcissist becomes physically violent?
Safety becomes paramount if a narcissist turns physically violent. Create a safety plan that involves strategies for immediate escape, documenting all incidents meticulously, and familiarizing yourself with your legal rights. Don’t hesitate to seek help from authorities or support services. Your well-being is the top priority when living with a narcissist if leaving is not an option.
What strategies can help in maintaining my mental health?
Nurturing your mental health is essential when you’re living with a narcissist. Engage in self-care practices like meditation, exercise, and hobbies that bring joy. Seek support groups or counseling to share your experiences and emotions. Maintain emotional distance from the narcissist’s manipulative tactics, set personal goals that align with your values, and continuously evaluate your coping mechanisms. Remember, your mental health needs constant attention to survive this challenging dynamic.
How can I protect my children when co-parenting with a narcissist?
Co-parenting with a narcissist requires a delicate balance to protect your children’s emotional health. Prioritize their well-being by ensuring they understand what constitutes a healthy relationship. Model positive interactions and reinforce strong boundaries. Their safety and emotional health remain your most critical responsibilities while living with a narcissist when leaving is not an option.
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